AI Researcher

15/09 - Mini Life Reflection

• 20:22: just finished working out, after 5 days break.

• learned quite a lot about:

  • the TMP hardware chip encryption and that the communication bus between CPU/TMP is unencrypted...wtf? and that the bus is simply a clock in MHz that sends 4-5 electrical pulse voltage signals to communicate to other components.
  • that i can use my laptop to control my PC with a ethernet-to-usbc cord from the KVM (keyboard, video mouse) to my laptop -- then theres no internet requirement and the latency is basically gone. bought a Power Switch Button Cable for external F_PANEL header on motherboard On/Off/Reset/HDD Switch -- then will slap that onto the PiKVM to make it all-in-one.
  • mostly did a bunch of admin today and a little bit of work. a whole bunch of journaling

• 13:36: experiencing vertigo while sitting down at my desk after I 25mg of dexies ~45mins ago. My head is involuntarily slightly swaying left-to-right. I thought my apartment was moving bc it's extremely windy today (38km/h wind and 84km/h gusts). while i've been writing this it stopped but has suddenly came back, for no apparent reason...extremely odd feeling. 13:51 my head's and eye's perception feels like my eyesight is moving backwards-and-forwards with my head lagging behind in this weird asynchronous sensation, kind of like Ekko's ult from LoL -- that delay after moving.

• last night i was extremely tired at ~19:30, but my usual bedtime is 24:00. i laid in bed to work and journal for ~5hrs, which somehow made me less tired, and eventually led to a second wind, where the sleep hormones faded and i was fully alert...until ~02:30, facepalm lmfao.

  • I haven't been to the gym in 5 days now...my sleep schedule got fucked up hardcore a couple nights ago where i went to bed at 7:30am and woke up at 11:25 for a podcast that got flaked on, then another later podcast that day at 18:30 got flaked on, lmao. just been trying to fix my sleep before literally tearing my body apart. But i have been more consistent with skincare, using face clenser -> 1% retinol -> excema-grade moisturiser (others feel like LARPing moisturiser lol) bc trying to take care of myself in tiny ways i can each day.

  • My life, despite not being crazy relative to my close friends (where the baseline seems ridiculous for the normie pov, but is how i want to live my life), has been quite difficult the fast few months. I think I'm doing an amazing job juggling handling trauma, taking care and prioritising myself better + trying to maintain consistent healthy habits, social relationship investment, and the perpetual stress of needing to my learn so many new things (math, EE, phyiscs, hardware, AI, material sci, CAD, 3d printing, emotional intel, and im sure many more) to get through this purgatory of Sisyphus'ing (transitioning) from one career to the next.
    
    

    I feel like i'm constantly getting served the most raw "this is life" human experience every day. Looking back on the past 6 years (when i considered my life to have truly begun) it's been one hell of a fucking journey, where it really only feels like when this learning phase is over it actually starts -- like the past 6 years was stumbling around trying to find what ill truly be doing for the next decade: AI, math, robotics, cyber. I haven't shared so many personal details, yet, but when i do it'll become clearer to understand. this is moreso for my own recollection when i reread this at a later date. its just how i feel in the moment
    
    

    I also feel that connecting with normal people is quite easy but i get very bored quickly -- maybe bc almost each person is (and ive met a lot) not particularly passionate about anything. they may have a few hobbies but their life is quite standard. i sometimes feel ive hit this escape velocity from normality bc im passionate about science and life as a whole, and can find interest in anything bc after many years my perspecitve shifted to understanding there is beauty in everything and you simply blind to it from lack of understanding. so i try uncover why they are so into it to try understand what they see that im blind to, while simultaneously trying to get inspired from it.
    
    

    For example, i hated museums growing up bc i was forced to go and wasn't into art, but this year i had that "click" moment that I was simply blind to what others saw. And I unironically bc the art enjooor meme, staring at these paintings for like 10-15 minutes. But it was bc my new found understanding + passion for math, particularly decision-making, geometry + topology -- so i was able to interpret all art through those lens, kind of repurposing it into a mini-game of battle-testing my imaginative creativity.

  • 14:40: ive been spending many hours this week updating this autobiography w/ detailed stories of my day's progress, bc journaling feels like the only true escape from my mind w/o calling friends for many hrs -- like the small nuances of whats going on.
    
    

    i also prioritise it bc many people have died in my life w/o any detailed journals of their thoughts, opinions, and life progression, only to be remembered by their actionable outcomes, e.g., social interactions, career work, etc. so once they died i couldn't learn more about their inner thoughts, espc if i wasn't particularly close to them. i found that extremely sad.
    
    

    i really appreciate learning about someone's pov + thought process evolution throughout life, its extremely fascinating to me. so thats why i even began an autobiography in the first place.Aall of these memories, even i have, i wont be able to recall what the instantaneous moment captures; the emotion being felt, decision-making process of "this bc x, that bc y", "starting x bc y", "been feeling x bc y", and simply describing my interpretation in fine-detail to build that memory from words like a progressive cue :) -- espc since my long-short-term memory (LSTM reference, hehe) began to noticably shift during my time in London.
    
    

    there are so many things i would like to say that are much darker, and probably not wise to release publicly until much later in life so they don't impact opportunities. although, i doubt many people take the time to read this, let alone all of it. so, this log will probably be lost among the rest, until i create something meaningfully impactful, which i suspect will take the next ~2 years to even enter that phase, and then im sure a flock of people will analyse every little punctuation difference, lol.
    
    

    thats another thing too: people don't care about you until you do something worth caring about. the difference of being invisible to being labeled a genius is merely one impactful success, and only then do these people talk about their life. describing their postmortem of self through the fill-in-the-blank approximated lens of their past, biased by their current state. they're unable to capture the invaluable processes and emotions felt whilst crawling through the mud that led them to exit to the tunnel of today. they merely spam replica interviews, summarising the core checkpoints on their journey. however, the true valuable beauty lies in the progress, not the outcome. their outcomes pale to inspire when they were causal byproducts from the BTS chiseling of oneself, repeatedly moulting through hardship.