Overcoming Mental Warfare

The Warzone

We’ve all been there, or maybe you are still there. The warzone we perpetually reside in from dusk ‘till dawn. Dowsed in anxiety-driven guilt and perfectionism you find it impossible to be satisfied, only to end up procrastinating while consciously wanting to do the thing. Creating a vicious cycle that leeches all the emotional energy from you from the moment of waking up. Ever since high school I was drafted into this hell unwillingly. It’s something that never seemed to stop, but instead rages with time. The chronic push-pull seesawing my mind would do when over-analysing all my decisions based on many variables, only to drown from the overwhelming complex interconnected hierarchical possibilities.

See, I’m someone who is either all in or all out, binary yes or no. There are certainties in my decisions and not many maybes. When I decide to do something I will put my all into it, forming an obsession and reshaping my identity to cater for it, embedding that very thing into every aspect of my being. This comes at a cost though. The cost of wanting to do the thing optimally so you can do more of it and not waste time. But fixating on the ‘perfect plan’ only led to anxiety about the future and kept me from acting in the present.

The Independent Variable

It’s only in recent days that I’ve realised that none of the future planning truly matters relative to what you do in the present moment. It is truly the independent variable among dependent variables. Of course, completely neglecting the future doesn’t make sense. If there is no future vision to strive for then what is the target you aim at? The path you drive down? There is no point in being a highly accurate focused archer without a target or having the best car and diving skills for difficult driving environments when there is no road.

What I’m getting at is there is a threshold for when this visionary thinking becomes too much. You must define your target well but not over-plan each step at the micro level. You should have some general macro idea of what you want to hit in what order but the further you plan the steps the closer you step into the fog of chaos and it doesn’t matter. The thing that dictates everything is your momentary inputs in the present, not the present day, but the actual MOMENT you are in. It is so sensitive that when you read a book you might discover you’re much more interested in this other thing, this unknown unknown, that completely alters the pathway before that step near the fog. It is chaos theory at its core.

Have Faith

So what I’ve learned is: make a general plan, have the conviction that it is something you want to do — or at least the general direction at that moment — and think a few steps ahead, but not too far like a Markov Chain. Make a general book path to reach some knowledge or a few projects you want to make. Or if it’s the gym make a general workout plan for your goals. It won’t be perfect, and never will be because as you take those non-optimal steps towards your goal you realise the road is nothing like what you originally thought.

Why?

Because you unlock new information from experience, uncovering the fog of the unknown unknowns makes you reassess your plan. Now imagine this for each of those steps from our current one $n$ to $n + m$. For each $+1$ to $n$ this predictive accuracy drops significantly. So you shouldn’t optimise for a plan but rather your energy to do the things you need to do to get to the next step right now. This doesn’t mean working all the time but instead being mindful of your emotional, physical and mental energy and sensing whether you need a break or have the willpower to focus and tackle some difficult question that’s going to test your commitment to focusing.

I was someone who always procrastinated because of this “perfect time to study” or “needs the perfect roadmap to do the thing” but in recent days I’ve realised nothing matters more than doing. Even when you optimise for the perfect time and roadmap you’re left with a single task: to act. Without action nothing happens and all of this planning is meaningless. The thing that reduces that anxiety about the future is current action. And magically things always seem to fall into place as long as you can take a step, no matter how big or small, each day. Eventually, with all those little steps you’ll find yourself at the finish line of the road. It might have taken a year or two more but you got there. And in the grand scheme of your life of ~50-80 years, 1-2 years doesn’t mean anything. I bet anyone would choose to spend a few more years of their life to get what they want, which will drastically change their entire state of mental, physical and emotional health, leading to a fuller life.

Progress Is Non-Linear

It’s easy to think you’re not making enough progress each day. Especially when you look back and criticise yourself. But not all progress is linear. There will be times when it takes you many weeks or months to read a math book and many hours to finish a set of exercise problems. However, with each failed attempt, despite “knowing it”, you strengthen your understanding. One day, it’ll all click like magic and you’ll have a deep connective understanding of topics that seemed so spatially unrelated. This is when things go exponential. And over time, as you do more and more, you compound knowledge. Think about it. When you get really good at a language you can start having conversations, picking up the slang, being able to read books, and then writing paragraphs with ease. At one point you couldn’t do that.

The same is true with math. You learn the language of set theory, start reasoning with subsets, quantifiers and arrows and you find yourself in proof land reasoning about the different sets and how they rigorously relate to calculus. You’ll become more fascinated and begin seeing unique connections. This curiosity makes you learn faster and harder because now emotion is attached. It’s no longer a shot in the dark but an emotionally driven pursuit. Knowledge compounds so each little win is worth its own. Ride the wave for as long as possible because one day it will crash. Life is a roller coaster but it always equals out in the end. What goes up must come down and vice versa.

Learning something for the sake of wanting to isn’t useless nor is a field that isn’t glaringly obvious that is connected to that other one you like. Learning something always brings a new perspective, a new lens to see through that you could never comprehend, no matter how hard you tried, unless you saw through the lens. The same is true when leaving a job to pursue your dreams. You can never fully comprehend or even predict, without general abstractions, who you can become if you take the chance.

Frolicking In The Garden Of Chaos

I was quite fixated on the result I was blindsided, unaware that the journey itself is what makes it special. Sure, learning the thing faster to get to the creative stage is extremely fun, but there is only a single time you get to learn all of the stuff. Grappling with a problem and finally having an “AH HA!” moment. A click in your mind that unlocks a whole new understanding and perspective of the thing. Alas, progress! It is these moments that make us proud for putting in all the effort, knowing that if anyone wanted to reach the same point they would have to go through similar pain you did. Comforting, in a way. You secure your future with each small step. But there is no need to rush through the garden of chaos! It will always be there. You will most likely return to revisit some parts you really enjoyed, but with a fresh new perspective — like rewatching your favourite movie after some years.

I originally got into ML/AI because my friend was doing an AI version of my heuristic cybersecurity tool. I thought to myself “How could I ever compete with a program that writes its heuristics and improves automatically?”. So I fumbled around for 2 years struggling to get a footing. Eventually, I gathered enough breadcrumbs to know what to do, generally speaking. But among this journey I developed a passion for the math itself, being more excited for the math over the fact AI was the end goal. I began to find it so much more interesting and had many more ideas beyond AI. It’s a fantastic feeling to have the means to an end transform into wanting to continue the means forever.

I developed an obsessive curiosity for it. Thinking about it all the time. I was forced to drop my ego and return to the basics because the fundamental building blocks are what form all the complex shit. This takes a long time to deeply understand and it can be quite anxiety-provoking. But I learned programming from scratch many years ago, this won’t be any different. What matters is that if you can’t run, you walk, and if you can’t walk you crawl. Just doing little bits each day is all that matters. As long as you try that’s all you can do. You are amongst chaos of so many unknown unknowns with your path continuously morphing into something else. All you can do is appreciate the chaos and frolic in it, knowing that one day it will be transformed into order. You’ll look back one day and appreciate these times.

To look back and wish you did more is destructive thinking. You did your best and that’s all you can do given your energy and resources in that moment. You forget to realise that Only after experiencing something do you see the optimal path. The key is to act passionately and keep exploring; you can always connect the dots later. Past you would have done anything to get to the position you are in now. You spent your time as well as you could. Once you reach that end goal it will all be a blur anyway. If you really care about the thing you will come back to it many times in your life.

Finite Resources

Your emotional energy is the most important thing to be mindful of. If you’re depleted there is a high chance you can’t tackle a problem or concept that is conceptually difficult to grasp because your brain is reshaping its synapses with each new perspective gained. I used to regret my decisions in the past but I was only doing what I thought was best given the resources, energy and thinking I had at that time. Sometimes I need to take a long break, possibly longer than everyone else. However, I learned that I consolidate knowledge well despite taking these big breaks. Maybe it’s just my unique way of learning. Not everyone is a cookie-cutter, so it makes sense. My brain is different to yours.

When I worked at my jobs I thought I was able to multi-task by working 9-5+ and then come home to work towards my goals. I was punched in the mouth real quick. My energy was depleted after work every single time and the plan fell through. I put off my dreams for a year for one of these jobs only to quit later after realising I was cruising on autopilot, forgetting what I really wanted in life. The money and hope of potentially filling in blinded me from what was beyond the mist.

This emotional energy is so important because it is the lifeline of being able to do things. If you think negatively and are pessimistic it will only deplete this energy more. You need to flip this negative way of thinking into a positive one. It will give you more energy and quiet down that blazing war going on in your head. Appreciating the moment while having faith that you’re doing everything you can and it will all fall into place is all you can do. Being mindful of “I should probably sit down and do math” instead of procrastinating. It’s much easier to make the right decision when you stop for a moment and think about what you’re doing. Being conscious and aware of the moment instead of running on autopilot.

But maybe your stress stems from money. A very valid stressor indeed. But we tend to fill up what little resources we have with as much as possible. For example, given 1 hour to do your homework before tomorrow you would study intensely. The same is true with monetary pressure. You see that savings bank balance depleting each month from rent. It will give you this drive to prevent it from happening. As long as you aren’t going to become homeless in a short period it can act as a pick-me-up reminder. But there is a fine line between a reminder and a chronic anxiety-provoking fire alarm. Either way, my point is that put fish in a bigger bowl if you want it to grow to its potential. If you let money dictate your life you will never have a life.

Investing in yourself is the only investment you truly control-and the returns, even if indirect, are always worthwhile. Even if you make a “wrong” decision you will learn from it so ultimately it’s not a loss, but an expensive price to pay for a lesson! With each book, steak, gym membership, vitamins, etc, you buy you are simply increasing your chances of success. Money is an exchange for a good or service. You are the machine that is enhanced from these goods and services that miraculously produces profit which can get even more with each step down the knowledge lane. It will never vanish too as long as you keep relatively consistent. You are the biggest ROI in the world. Either invest in yourself now or buy in later in life.

Realign From Divergence

For anyone who knows deep down, they are walking the wrong path. A path that has diverged from the one they want to take. Someone who is working a golden-cuffed job, not pursuing their intended studies or someone who is simply fearful of quitting everything to pursue something they want to but all they see is the first stepping stone in the foggy lake which radiates “quit”. All you need is the conviction that things will work out. That no matter what, you will figure it out. You don’t need a push, you need to have faith in yourself. This life is too short to be a cog in a larger machine that someone else made. Don’t you want to write your own story instead of being a puppet to fear? What will it take for you to take back the direction of your life and steer it to where you know the new road your turn-off into will make you feel proud about your decisions?

Even if you are put into a temporary worse position you wouldn’t have done it any other way. One that you can tell others and feel proud you did it, went against the grain, and start inspiring others to grasp onto those dreams that hover above the rainy clouds. There is always a rainbow after the storm. Maybe you need to wait until the storm gets a bit lighter to leave the house or you already have the umbrella and raincoat to walk outside in the rain but are just afraid to leave the comfort of your home to walk to the beautiful park which is your potential.

I took this path. I knew deep down that something wasn’t right with me working jobs I wasn’t passionate about. I grew a lot, don’t get me wrong. But I had the raincoat to tackle the storm and I have absolute faith the storm will stop, despite it getting stronger after I left. But eventually, it will get weaker and the rainbow will come out. But I would rather walk through that rain to try and reach my destination, knowing I’ve taken chances into my own hands instead of waiting for, something else to dictate my life because, who knows how long for the storm to end before I can make my first step outside the box of a house with a locked door. I have shown you to the locked door. You just need to unlock it (commit) and walk out of it with faith (even if you aren’t religious, have faith in yourself and your abilities). Will you wait for the storm or take the first step outside that reveals all the potential roads, people, nature and exciting experiences you can pursue? You would have never seen these things in the full picture from your little square window from within the house. Take a step outside, you can always go back in if you don’t like the rain :)

Being Present

I want to emphasise the importance of being present. I was so absorbed with not working all the time I neglected to spend time with people and living in the moment to make memories. I had regrets about not being affectionate and not giving a shit more. I wished I was more energetic at the moment and set aside my ego in some cases. This all stems from not being mindful enough in the present moment but rather thinking about all these probabilistic outcomes that will protect me — i.e., being defensive or not fully being in the moment and truly trying to make the environment a more exciting, memorable place for those I care for. Experiences are fleeting and those around you are too, and you realise this only when it’s too late. Being present and not worrying about the future helped a lot with my generalised anxiety and ADHD.

I’m trying to be more forgiving and compassionate towards myself each day by thinking about what I want and need in the moment instead of optimising for future me’s happiness — which spoiler alert: will never arise if you can never appreciate the present and are grateful for what you have. As long as you’re in the general direction of where you want to be taking a few days off really doesn’t change things in the grand scheme of things. It just makes it easier if you do it every day or every second day. What matters is consistency.

Persistence to endure pain and suffering as you walk towards your goal is the first key to getting a hold. The second is resilience. How quickly can you bounce back from a setback? But this is a subset of persistence. There’s a reason why special forces training is focused on mental toughness over physical strength. Past a certain point, your body wants to give out but your mind is in control of whether it does. Abstract that and apply it to your life. Give it your all or die trying.

Generalising Proof

I want to mention something that I found very fascinating: running. It is something that tests my mental fortitude, and just like the special forces thing I mentioned, you get to a distance where your body wants to give out and you desperately try to control your breath intake. But you know your body can keep going, it will just be extremely painful mentally (because you need to tunnel vision and focus on breathing like meditation) and physically (bypass your body saying “LET ME STOPPP”). Maybe you can have a blister on your foot or some back pain. But it’s really up to you how far you will take it. How much pain you will endure to reach your goals?

Running has reminded me that I will endure all the pain to reach my arbitrary distance until it cripples me to where I physically cannot anymore. And typically I will start to feel this pain at around 1.2km but I aim for 3km so basically I still got 66% of “fuck this shit” left. But doing it proves to myself that I can reach my goal no matter the pain which I use to abstract into my mental work with math. If I can endure that running which is both mental and physical focus then math is only mental (but a lot more intense in some cases).

The point is if you can endure pain and reach a goal in one thing you can abstract that proof to another thing and fill in the manipulation to get to that conclusion. Often when I talk to people who don’t want to walk into the storm, they have no proof of success. Running, or any other thing you have to brutally endure pain to reach a goal is all the proof you need. You commit to having faith in yourself and you don’t give up. Why wouldn’t it transfer to other things? It is not a specialisation but a personality trait — this is generalisable. Don’t believe me? Go try running an arbitrary hard distance for yourself every day or every other day and then rethink your choice.

End

To end, you can do anything you want in life but you have finite time so try to make the best decisions you can in the moment. Most tough decisions don’t have definitive answers but instead tradeoffs. You just need to decide what is more important, will benefit you or others more, or what are you willing to lose more. This has been the essence of my decision-making, and maybe it’s not perfect. But I’m on the road I want to be on and see myself at the end of my life saying “I did the best I could with what I had, and I’m damn proud I did what I did”. This is a rare statement in my experience.

People end up not living how they truly want to and have regrets down the line. But really to have the best life possible you just need to be present in the moment and be mindful of yourself and others around you. That is the key to life in my opinion. Why worry about tomorrow when it’s dictated by what you do today? Therefore, by that logic, today should be your utmost focus. Lose the ego and truly live.

Godspeed, anon.