A Warrior's Journey

Dear, You

Writing articles is tough. I must face my emotions head-on and reflect on the past/current moment for an extended period to formalise it into a digestible piece for easy consumption. It’s a real battle doing these sometimes. Many on the battlefield have been cut down mid-combat. But I’m going to persevere with this one, as it’s been on my mind for quite some time and I know there are people there that need to hear this.

The journey is a crawl through the mudded thorns. Unable to see as you drag your body and soul out of bed each morning, deciding to walk the opposite direction that society walks, with undying optimistic faith that you will, somehow, reach the other side alive. To have the conviction that you, amongst everyone else, are correct…and that they are wrong. That despite the torture you willingly apply to yourself, you will make it out the other end. To endure the pain and suffering of change, fundamentally altering your neural circuitry from learning, to open your mind to the possibilities of what can be all that is you. The potential you so clearly know is waiting to be manifested from the hard work and agony of pushing yourself to the edge of chaos each day. Where you walk on a tight rope where a one wrongful step in derailed thought trips you into the bottomless abyss. But you hang on by a thread. Every. Single. Fall. Pulling yourself up from dangling into the darkness to avoid the alternative pain of knowing what you could have been but choosing not to pursue who you would have been…

As you pull yourself up from above the eerie unknown of complacency you wipe your tears with your forearm and stare into the city’s flickering scattered orange lights in the night. You feel grounded towards how insignificant you are. There is this nagging feeling inside you — a feeling that you know that you will change the world, if you decide to. You think to yourself there is no going back from here. There is no walking around or finding an easy route out below or above. To escape the box, you’ve been placed in from birth, you must go within. Go into the place no one dares to enter. The mind. Have you truly tried to see what your deepest thoughts are? What you really believe in? Question the constructs of reality? What even is truth? What is real? What is man made and what is natural? Reflect to internalise what you believe in. And when you have, accept that you are on the path that a very small minority of the historic, dead and alive, population take. One that pays the price of decisive loneliness, seeking to understand what we, so easily, let slip from our minds. That we’re mere mortals, spawned from millions of years of evolutionary succession. Somehow that we are alive at this very moment in time, witnessing a new age of intelligence that will revolutionise the world far greater than we can ever predict. The age of intelligence, that you can steer. You are merely limited by your knowledge to take advantage of it. Deciding to let it control your future instead of you controlling your future with it. I had to face the music when exploring the world. Searching for the answer to “Where do I feel most at home?”. It turns out…nowhere. Only within my mind is where I can truly accept things for what they are. No matter where I am it will always follow me. If I am at peace in my mind with strong enough conviction that my actions will guide me to who I know I will become then it does not matter where I am or what happens.

There are days I am filled with anxiety about not doing enough. Despite spending the entire day attempting to understand math. Breaking down every little bit of notation in the theorem. Experimenting with the basics to master them so that I can grapple with the complexities that form when they are concatenated together. No matter how much I do, how much I try, I always feel as if I’m not doing enough. This anxiety drives me to unending stress, but is the sole reason why I do so much. Why I’m able to reach where I want to reach. Even with all the negativity insecure people project because they don’t chase their potential. I keep enduring. I will never quit. I’ve gotten so far without you in my life, why would I need you now? I made this happen. I created my life. You have done nothing but ridicule my optimism that you sadly lack.

I sometimes envy the simple life. To know your potential is a blessing and a curse. You are left with two choices: to endure and pursue with all your being or to consciously let your future self slip by in front of your eyes and live to see the world change without you, later to meet people who ask about your past, reminding you of what you could have been. It is clear which path to take. It is hard to choose to correct one to walk. The snow rises high and it’s difficult to move your feet. The blizzard cuts your face as the snow soars by your squinted eyes. There is only one option: to endure.

Eventually, you find shelter to temporarily rest. However, these periods of your life are fleeting. Appreciate and look back on the journey you’ve walked. How many obstacles you’ve overcome. How each triumph further reinforces the fact that you are in the making and are taking giant leaps to becoming the person you know you will be. Look around you and be aware that despite no one around you there is a logical reason why you are alone. You took the path of truth. Being true to yourself and wanting to understand more. Fulfilling that potential that awaits on the other side of it all. Knowing that you are not a pawn in the system built by other mortals, like yourself. Breaking away from the shackels of enslaved closed-minded thinking. You were shown the door and decided to walk through it. Others decided to stare at the handle, thinking that it was a risk. Being oblivious to the fact that not acting is the biggest risk of them all. For what is living without risk, existing? What is value without the difficulty of attainment? What is a relationship without getting through the tough times together? What is life without facing death?

If you want to see the light you must walk through the darkness. If not one person decides not to walk through the fog then where does the beacon of hope come from? You must be your own beacon, dragging the reality you want from the depths of your mind into your bruised, hardened hands. You are the only one in control of your mind. That is the only thing we can have control over, our minds. Without that we are nothing. Memories, and experiences, without them we are a shell of flesh drifting until we decay. Your mind is yours and if you truly believe in yourself with the utmost conviction you remove the risk of losing. With each failure you don’t opt out from you increase your chances of success in the next iteration. The game becomes enduring until you reach the point of no return. All you must do is reach that focal point that hits the escape velocity that breaks you out of the box and into the space which allows you to redefine what a box even is while looking at all of the boxes containing minds around you. Until then you are governed by normality, societal standards that you abide by.

Though, something won’t sit right…

It will eat you up from the inside and torture you until the day you lie on your deathbed. You will think to yourself “Why didn’t I try long enough? What could my life have been if I decided to bet on myself some more?” and fade into the abyss. Those around you will learn from your mistakes and conquer in your name. For you inspired the next generation to break free and carry on in your spirit. Instead, break free now so you can lead the charge, or die trying. What will you say to your kids that look at you…as a superhero? Are you truly one or someone putting on the facade?

I’ve seen the other side of the coin. As I’ve reached new heights in my journey up the mountain I’ve met the same limited minds with higher degrees of skill and accomplishments. They, despite their actualised potential and intelligence, still remain confined by this box. They too are those who choose to, or unwilling know they, avoid the door. I’ve tried to help them define the door. Describe what’s on the other side, as I’ve already crossed it. But they don’t seem to want to open it, or even see it. That’s completely fine. But since you’re reading this you must know deep down there is a misalignment with what you want and what you have.

Persistence is the way of my life. For there is nothing left for me but to endure until the end, no matter the final moment. I have experienced the death and decay of those closest to me. Those that truly cared and cherished me. Enduring their soul being ripped apart, struggling for life, because they want to see me fufil my potential. It’s a sad feeling knowing that you have to continue walking while their bodies fail them as your steps begin making larger and larger distance between the both of you. There was nothing I wanted more but to give up my life for theirs, but it was too late. And finally, I was left with the option to grieve for the rest of my life or to reach the end, not only for myself, but for them. They took their final breath, while holding my hand, knowing I’ll reach the top that we were going to celebrate together. And now, there is no option but to walk through. No turning back. If I do I will face the torment that patiently sits at my doorstep swinging it’s legs in joy, like a child on a swing. My deepest fears waiting to hug me with open arms and cling onto reality. I will forever be a slave to my mind. I can only postpone the inevitable once that line has been crossed. And to escape will be one hell of a crawl. If I ever had a family while in that box they will be in the crossfire of the war that has been brewing for the best parts of my life.

To sail the stormy deep blue seas with white stretches in a dark brown wooden ship to reach paradise. This is the only way. Repairing after the ocean’s waves have crashed into the rickety nailed in planks of the ships’ sides. The swaying of balance while the ship is lifted by the climbing waves, only to crash down after shortly after. I find myself hammering new planks each time, to what was once there, and throwing buckets of water back into the ocean after the leaks have been restored. The only way is forward. There is no going back for it is more dangerous to try and turn back in such a chaotic sea than it is to continue going ahead. Keep your head up and look forward. There is nothing new on the all too familiar ground. Know it will be okay as long as you endure and persist. Keep hammering in those nails when leaks get through. Throwing out the water that enters the sanctum of your mind. Nothing else matters. Any depression will subside in time. Any injuries will fade. But you, your mind is counting on you.

Your future self extends out their open left hand while the other holding open the door. You must go towards it, crawling, walking or running, and see the light that shines from within. Faint laughter bursts out so faintly. You can feel the wide smiles radiating joy from the sounds you hear coming from within. The forest you have been blindly walking through had meaning after all. However, that meaning only arose after you followed through and didn’t quit. You never know when the next turn you will take stops you in your tracks as the light shines from edge of your vision. The cavern awaits, traveler. Don’t look for the light when you walk through the mist, be the light. Endure, my friend. Know that things will get better, as long as you endure. You will do great things in your lifetime. Go searching and bring back tales to those that cannot. I hope to see you in the cavern someday, friend. For we all have walked a similar path to meet.

It was, in the end, the best kind of adventure.