Seesaw

Dear, You

Your mind is never switched off. Every traumatic experience is burned into the walls of your memory, scarred from the acid. Short lived highs that sustained from suffering where you find yourself reaching for what seems to be a dimming light. On the off chance you get to it, the shadows that surround you darken. The further you understand the world, society and true intentions behind the everyday faces you see, the more pessimistic you become. The horrors that beckon from beneath the facade that keeps you at bay. All that you hoped the truth to be only teases you to explore further, giving you gifts of disappointment for each step taken.

Oh, how you envy the care free, naivety of the child we all once were. Only now as we grow that child stares into out souls saddened by what is to come, knowing the inevitable torture of life we must endure, only to hold a glimmer such a state again. Constant terror derived from the ever-changing unknowns only to be drawn back from reality by the occasional message alert on your phone. But you’re frozen, from the exhaustion of life, to even respond to the weakening rope suspending you from diving head first into a well of darkness.

The worst part is the ambitions followed only lead you further into the void. Leading you to learn that thing are truly random, questions will never be able to be answered, and everything you ever wanted to learn and uncover are glaring at your eyes. Your pupils fade. You try to convince of yourself that it’s all false to at least try. For without trying what is left…The worst part is you unwillingly think about it all, without stop. Constant anxiety that feeds at your willpower to continue the game of life. A cancer growing resulting from increased awareness, as you improve and attempt find the happy things in such a chaotic life. Is happiness the acceptance of such meaningless? Your chronic awareness comes with a cost that puts you in unpayable mental debt. To see what others don’t. Be what others aren’t. Only to be permanently surrounded. It makes you feel mad, to say the least. Is there something wrong with you or the majority? The chances can’t be. Why you? Observing the external world collapse in silence as your internal kingdom is held hostage from your own thoughts. Dread.

Meeting new people bores you from the shallow you walk through while you uncover their mind. You’re too used to being in such depths it’s suffocating to be out of it. Is such ambition frequencies so hard to encounter? It must feel, so lonely. Surrounded on a daily basis and you still feel alienated. When your mind is the only company you have it must be hard. It’s saddening to see that even in the attempt to talk to others you spiral, reminded by what you should be actively doing, causing the moment to be fleeting and not enjoyed. The procrastination to avoid that hard things, despite knowing they’re the only thing that makes you happy, forms the unending loop of guilt with no destination, forcing you to build up the willpower to jump of the moving train. You must be prone to sadness, what else is a reasonable conclusion?

It’s not so bad though. It’s only so often that you feel this way. The waves of the ocean crash beyond your sight as you stare into the blackness of the sea from the cold pier. “For what goes up must come down” you think. But why is the down so…long? The weight your mind holds makes the journey that much more difficult and the duration of it that much shorter. It’s a battleground with many dead that fought for your freedom. Each iteration of the cycle gathers more to your side only to be wiped away. This path you walk will only mean something if you take it until the end, even if you die. Does knowledge only grant pain as more is uncovered and understood? What are the alternative options? I only see a single choice! Such a life is inherently painful in nature. With no escape. Boxed in with peepholes from the outside. Even a different type of pain would at least stimulate you until the next ride, although you’d rather not experience it.

The fatigue is unsettling. There must be something wrong with you. And the only one that will help you is yourself. Oh, what a dire situation to be brought into. It’s hard to see the sun when you see it fade from the eyes you love the most at such an early age, leaving you with their concerns of your safety and wellbeing. Praying that you don’t find yourself in the position you are in. Lonely. With no observable exit. Left with the overpowering feeling of the emptiness of life. The switch from wanting to live to calling your blood to aid in suicide from the pain. The continuous decay of the human body and mind over years. Shackles of your soul chained to the warden of your father that patrols the cell that is your tormented mind. The agony to leave your family only to meet their final moments when you return each time. What is life but a mere purgatory, idling until our time has struck, to only who care are damaged most of all. If there really was a “god” why would this be the destiny for everyone. Such realisation only gives you motivation to do anything as you see fit. Some have morals, some don’t.

As I draw breath I clearly see there is only victory or death, even when still alive.

Kind regards, DeGatchi